Some Real Talk - Homo Shaming in France #458

I was in Paris a few months ago with my girlfriend - yes, girlfriend. I'm 'one of them' - anyway that's not the most cringy/laughable part of this story. We were in this Mc Donald's somewhere by the Eiffel Tower. We were in there because they had automated systems that allowed us to order in English. Truth be told we couldn't bare the shame of going to the patisserie we had just pissed off by grabbing our own food and not waiting for staff service. Anyway, we ordered our hideously bad coffee and proceeded to the upstairs eating area. Before I continue I must express that we are not PDA prolific in anyway. We both hate that shit. As we were just sitting there absorbing the warmth from our lame coffee - there was a giant gap between us so we could have just looked like friends - this old man stops at the staircase. I didn't see him but Jess did. I noticed him really creepily starring at us after about 5min. Jess kept repeatedly saying "Don't make eye contact". I was so confused about the whole situation so I got all don't be looking at me you fucking weirdo (without actually saying anything of course - maybe just a flash of the 'fuck off face'). We were literally just sitting there holding on to our fucking coffee cups. Excuse the language but I'm still so confused about what happened. 

Anyway, what was to follow is possibly one of the funniest things I have EVER encountered in my life. This old man walks over to us and starts bitching us out in French. Now, I don't know if you've ever heard someone have a bitch fit in French but it's hilarious. Jess and I were laughing so hard we were crying. I'm kind of glad we had finished our coffee's by that point because I'm sure he would have bitched that coffee in my face. Shit, I would have if I felt that strongly about something. This continued for about 5 min - I'm still so confused at this point. Then, wait for it, he does the unthinkable - he accompanies his oral delivery with HAND ACTIONS! Fuck, you can only imagine. And then he adds that ear piercing word " hoh hoh lesssbiaans" [read: French accent]. At this point I think everyone in the Mc Donalds was well aware of the situation unfolding. We continued to laugh, hysterically. I should have kept my coffee cup to catch my tears of laughter. Then I could have thrown it on this poor bastard to cool him down. Finally after about 20 minutes he left. 

BUT, that's not the best part of this whole thing. We went down to the bathrooms on the bottom floor. In Paris they're all "inclusive" and have unisex bathrooms. Anyway there were two toilets, one was vacant so I went in and left Jess by the sink. As I'm sitting there doing whatever I hear Jess getting bitched out in the sink area. I intentionally didn't come out because it was so hilarious I wanted to savour the comedic content. She's so passive so she just stood and acted totally confused. After all we could just be friends visiting fucking Paris. I'm kind of glad my first real experience with homophobia was like this. Its one of the best memories I have of Paris. Sure I'm pissed off that this guy still thinks his 1940's attitude is ok. But, truth is, I couldn't give a shit what he thinks. We we're happy sitting there laughing - free entertainment. And, he was happy dishing it out. I'd call that win win. 

Moral of the story: That daylight distance won't save you, straight people. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife because apparently, in Paris, everyone's a considered a homo until proven otherwise.